It's been almost a year I think. Yep. Didn't feel like blogging. Didn't bother to. And so much has happened. Despite wanting to do engineering, I end up at law school, which I really do love. Oh and fair warning. This piece isn't as much for you as it is for me. To his post is for me to pour out all that I am facing. A confession of sorts. Because I know I have done wrong, and you all out there who care to judge me do so. I really couldn't care less. It'd be a relief for someone to know how truly a pathetic excuse for a human being I am. Despite what I may show you to be.
So, back to the topic. What is it so terrible that I did? Let's go at it from the top. The little things first. I've smoked my first cigarette today. I felt the dizziness of nicotine hit me at 6 in the morning, 'cause I didn't sleep last night, and neither have I eaten properly in the last few weeks. Needless to say, my fat has indeed come down.
Now. I see this girl my first day in class. Yes, oh yes, I am another lovesick idiot. But this is me confessing, so this shall be as true from the heart as it gets. Back to the topic. Let's call her Kati (I am NOT about to reveal her real name here). Kati was sitting in the second row, and when I saw her, I whisper to my friend next to me, "She is so pretty dude! Dibbs." And, after class, I see her in the library which I had gone to check out. We sit together, talk, and the click for me is instantaneous. I was head over heels. I fell hard. I still remember her long black hair tied in a ponytail. She wore a white top with thin horizontal red stripes, and it was full sleeved. The next time, we exchange numbers, and that night, talk on the phone for around 2 hours. And the next night. She admits she really likes me. And my heart explodes with happiness.
All good. The time after that, we go for a movie, talk throughout it. She even held my arm when I told her I would get freaked out at a particular scene of India Pakistan partition.
We meet in the library Sunday morning, hold hands. I could have kissed her there. I so wanted to. See, she is the girl I am in love with. I will never love anyone again. And I told my friends, against her express orders, not to tell them. And like an idiot, I add that we are dating, which she didn't want. I hear that she kissed a batch mate, I confront her over the phone. She cries and tells me it never happened. The truth comes out. She hates me now.
You're up to speed. I love her. My being shakes with guilt. The pain I put her through. I want her, but I want her happy. Sadly, I cannot let go. I've tried, but I can't. I'm not myself anymore. I'm not happy. I love her. She, or no one else. I'll edit this later. I broke her trust.
Which is what she wanted me to think.
She is the liar here, the user of men. I refrain from using the word at all times, but she is a whore. I feel irritated when I see her happy, blissful in her ignorance and lack of empathy at what she did to me. My blood boils when she gets drunk and tries to converse with me. I shake my head at the little boy who came fresh into college, not knowing what his foolish innocence would get him into. Then, in those first few days, all I wanted was a good academic life, and the perfect woman. Or what I deemed to be the perfect woman. I have changed so much, and I don't think its for the better. Has it helped me carve out a survival in the jungle of law school? Yes. But I survive, I do not thrive. A pesky substance abuse problem, and lord knows what other baggage I've picked up along the way.
This place is a stagnant lake. I want a river. A place where I can wade in, and let the currents carry away everything I want to let go. Take me down to the Paradise City. Where the grass is green and the rivers plenty.
So, back to the topic. What is it so terrible that I did? Let's go at it from the top. The little things first. I've smoked my first cigarette today. I felt the dizziness of nicotine hit me at 6 in the morning, 'cause I didn't sleep last night, and neither have I eaten properly in the last few weeks. Needless to say, my fat has indeed come down.
Now. I see this girl my first day in class. Yes, oh yes, I am another lovesick idiot. But this is me confessing, so this shall be as true from the heart as it gets. Back to the topic. Let's call her Kati (I am NOT about to reveal her real name here). Kati was sitting in the second row, and when I saw her, I whisper to my friend next to me, "She is so pretty dude! Dibbs." And, after class, I see her in the library which I had gone to check out. We sit together, talk, and the click for me is instantaneous. I was head over heels. I fell hard. I still remember her long black hair tied in a ponytail. She wore a white top with thin horizontal red stripes, and it was full sleeved. The next time, we exchange numbers, and that night, talk on the phone for around 2 hours. And the next night. She admits she really likes me. And my heart explodes with happiness.
All good. The time after that, we go for a movie, talk throughout it. She even held my arm when I told her I would get freaked out at a particular scene of India Pakistan partition.
We meet in the library Sunday morning, hold hands. I could have kissed her there. I so wanted to. See, she is the girl I am in love with. I will never love anyone again. And I told my friends, against her express orders, not to tell them. And like an idiot, I add that we are dating, which she didn't want. I hear that she kissed a batch mate, I confront her over the phone. She cries and tells me it never happened. The truth comes out. She hates me now.
You're up to speed. I love her. My being shakes with guilt. The pain I put her through. I want her, but I want her happy. Sadly, I cannot let go. I've tried, but I can't. I'm not myself anymore. I'm not happy. I love her. She, or no one else. I'll edit this later. I broke her trust.
Which is what she wanted me to think.
She is the liar here, the user of men. I refrain from using the word at all times, but she is a whore. I feel irritated when I see her happy, blissful in her ignorance and lack of empathy at what she did to me. My blood boils when she gets drunk and tries to converse with me. I shake my head at the little boy who came fresh into college, not knowing what his foolish innocence would get him into. Then, in those first few days, all I wanted was a good academic life, and the perfect woman. Or what I deemed to be the perfect woman. I have changed so much, and I don't think its for the better. Has it helped me carve out a survival in the jungle of law school? Yes. But I survive, I do not thrive. A pesky substance abuse problem, and lord knows what other baggage I've picked up along the way.
This place is a stagnant lake. I want a river. A place where I can wade in, and let the currents carry away everything I want to let go. Take me down to the Paradise City. Where the grass is green and the rivers plenty.
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